Have you seen the new product called the IRenew bracelet? The advertisements are everywhere. Curiosity got the better of me, so I did a little investigating, as we all should do when offered the chance to “help rebalance and adjust your personal biofield to a more aligned and natural state”. I found that the IRenew bracelet “would automatically detect and harness the natural energy and frequencies around your environment”. Well then. I figured a little energy and balance couldn’t hurt.
After reading the ads, exactly how it works was still a bit of a mystery to me, but I guessed this was where the “truth in advertising” came in. To quote the ad:
“For those wondering of how exactly the IRenew bracelet works, all you have to do is to simply wear it! It is as simple as that!”
Hope springs eternal, so I checked out the purchasing procedure for this magical, mystical IRenew bracelet. The price didn’t seem too outrageous for a life-changing product. It was only $19.95. Wait! I could get a twofer! Two IRenew bracelets for $19.95. Jeez, for that price how could I go wrong? I only would have to pay a few extra bucks for the separate shipping and handling costs.
Enter the nephew. He gets exasperated when he sees me using my credit card in conjunction with my computer, and this case was no exception. He carefully dissects the advertisement, slides my credit card away from my computer, and says, and I quote:
“You are an idiot. (This is where I always hang my head.) Listen to this carefully.”
He reads the end of the ad which says:
“Although you would be able to feel the differences almost immediately, clear changes and benefits would only be experienced after prolonged use of the bracelet. If you are unsure of what your personal biofield is, it is actually your natural energy condition that is easily swayed and disturbed by electromagnetic radiation that is available freely around you.”
He places my laptop of the couch, rubs his hands over his face a few times and calmly says,
“What the hell does that mean? You could get the same results by standing in front of the microwave, for free. How much is this piece of crap?”
I mumbled twenty bucks, but I added that I could get a second one for free. He examined the offer further, sighed deeply, and continued.
“Okay. This is the deal. I’m only gonna explain this once so listen up. You buy one for $19.99 and $7.95 shipping. You get a second for “free” (he makes that quote sign with his fingers while rolling his eyes)… for an additional $7.95. So for, uh let’s see, $35.89, you get two pieces of crap that some bozo says sways your energy by electromagnetic radiation. Does that sound about right?”
I replied weakly, “Well, yes, but if they don’t work, I’ll get my money back.”
“Oh, that’s right. You get your money back….less $15.90 shipping and handling. Do you think that maybe, just maybe, the $15.90 they made off you for shipping more than covers the cost of two pieces of crap and the bulk rate cost of mailing? Do they have these things in a large? Maybe you could wrap one around your head and energize your brain.”
He had me. I considered telling him the second one was going to be his Christmas present, but his face was so blown up and red by this time that I thought it best to just forget about it. Looking back, I guess it wasn’t such a good idea after all, but I was going to miss the extra energy and balance I might have experienced from the IRenew bracelet. Hey, maybe I could try standing in front of the microwave for a while.