When I drink, it is like the whole world no longer burdens me anymore. I am stress free and I feel great. I turn to drinking for sympathy and comfort. I am so intelligent at so many things but I guess everyone has a weakness- the weakness for me is alcohol. Yes, it tears up my life. I love my 2 year old to death and although it seems unbelievable, I never hurt her in any way nor do I neglect her when or after I drink. I try to stop, same as all alcoholics, and I have my denial too. But I am starting to realize that I do have a problem.
I never thought drinking and alcoholism messes up your life so much. My dad would always warn me about this, telling me it ran through me family blood line, but he told me to late before he even knew that I was drinking. I now know why I drink so much. All the stress in life that I tries to deal with, having my daughter at 15 and raising her, along with trying to take care of myself was a lot to deal with. I was so strong. I graduated at 17 even though it was just me and my little girl and I moved on to college. I guess when you are young you can only take so much. I was a better teen parent than most thought I would be. I wen through neglect and disrespect because I was proud to say that yes, I made a mistake and had a child young, but I took care of this child. I was a parent. And too me thats all that matters.
I ignored what the world had to say at first until I graduated. Then it seemed like since I actually was succesful that the world treated me worse, and I have to say, out of all the hard work and mess I went through trying to be a real parent without my parents around, I finally broke.
That is when I turned to alcohol. It wasn’t a problem at first, it just made me feel good and not worry about what the world has to say and relived my stresses of being a parent. But then, before I could notice it, I noticed that I didn’t have the money for bills anymore and was wondering were it was going. I calculated it and I noticed a whole lot of money was being spent for me to be ‘happy’. I suffered from depression and anti-depressants weren’t enough. As degrading as people treated me I couldn’t handle life. I tried everything to stay happy, but when family and friends aren’t there and no one cares anymore, you turn to something.
I never thought that this would be me or the things that are going on now. I just want to stop but it is hard. I love my child and don’t ever dare to go far enough to hurt my daughter in anyway with my drinking, but I know that I hurt myself and that in some way or another that it is affecting my child. I could go on and on about the many things but this is just a short version of the mind of a loveable alcoholic. We all are not as bad as we seem.
This goes to anyone who knows what it’s like and feels all alone in this world like no one understands. I feel that same way too, but you know what, I know someone else out there has the same feeling and knows what I am talking about…
Thank you for reading this and please leave a comment if you understand or don’t understand the concept of this.
The loveable heart of an alcoholic Parent