Only a couple of days until my rebirth and I have yet to figure out; “what’s happening to me”? I have a pile of ill experiences crammed into my head. I have so many misfortunate events leading up to now; it’s actually scary to think about leaving the “status quo” behind. It has become the “me” I know.
As I watched my aunt lay there in her coffin, completely still, lifeless and unrecognizable…I realized that this life is best experienced lived to its fullest. Any less would be worthless. Stagnation has no future.
Since her passing, I have been thrown into a rut of serious regrets. I now recognize how much of a victim I truly was, and how much I want to end that stage of my life. No more “why me”, or “what have I done to deserve this”. I question all aspects of my relationships. I seek a higher understanding. I sit still. I observe. I listen attentively. I crave compassion. I yearn for truth. I desire honesty. All these components, as simple as they seem, have been my deficiency. But then I learned to enter the mind. I was able to acquire direction. I saw a way out. I can see everything that I originally wanted, from since I can remember remembering, like my desire to be a writer, and have my own magazine.
My course of desires has changed however it has remained the same. I still want these things; I’ve just added more to the pot. I refuse to be simple. I am unique. I was created. And with this in mind, I have a purpose. I have within me unbelievable Creativeness that has suffered suppression for too long. I witnessed firsthand that when you have something, and you don’t use it. You lose it! I lost my way. I found it stored in my mind. I control my mind before it controls me. I have taken back what is mine; ME!
It makes no sense having regrets. I embrace my pain, allowing it to propel me to the next stage. I look back on my younger self and see all the pain she bore for so many years. I reach out and embrace her, because she is truly strong. I cannot imagine me without her. I thank her. I caress away the tears, comfort her, and tell her it’s ok. I will take over from here. Rest! The time has come to be still. The Maiden has done her job. Now, Mother must fulfill.
I can only pray that my daughters experience less pain than the maiden “me”. I pray they never get molested or raped. I pray they will always love each other and realize that they come from the same; in times of need, all they have is each other. I pray their spouse is always faithful and never hits them. I pray that my love for them continues to grows more each. I pray that their children have both parents, lovingly active in their lives. I pray that they have compassion and humility to the surrounding world.
I encourage them to talk to me about anything. No matter how hard it may be. This was my biggest mistake! I shut down after being shut out. I was alone in my struggles. I had no way to turn. No way out. But my girls have me. And I have me as well. I have great big dreams for us. Everything I do, Now, I do for us. The selfish, heartless adolescent is gone. It is my pleasure to see you blossom into the beautiful young women I see every morning. I am pleased with my creations. I accept that I am both their mother and father, and with this wisdom I take us forward. I ask you to forgive my childishness, in which I know you have already. Your innocence excites me. Without looking back, I see newness and fresh beginnings. My rebirth is a transformation that has to happen. It is an event that has no turning back. I am equipped completely with everything I need to be Creative. I have Divine light in my deepest darkness. I have courage and strength. I know that life is full of risks. Why not take them. At this point, the worst that can happen is “I shoot for the stars and end up with the moon”
Read more: http://goddess.pnn.com/9774-inner-goddess#ixzz163i8M371