It was recently reported that a “death squad”, or even just a single assassin, has been sent to kill the Russian General who defected to the United States after exposing 10 Russian sleeper agents in the United States last summer. The Moscow newspaper that reported this information reportedly got it from a reliable source. While being hunted by a death squad is always dangerous (just ask Randy Quad and his wife who fled to Canada to avoid “celebrity whackers”), there are something you can do to make your life easier, and longer. The top ten ways to avoid being killed by a death squad are listed below.
1. Live under an assumed name, and change your name every six months. This is something which is legal to do, however, surprisingly few people who are hunted by death squads take time to fill out the paper work.
2. Only get food by going through drive-thus, and always keep your car running. A surprisingly high number of death squad targets have been killed inside of supermarkets while shopping.
3. Never use the internet. Death squads usually employ a couple of hackers who can track where you are-if you go online a lot.
4. Live with the Amish for a couple years. Death squads rarely look for their targets among the Amish.
5. Camp out on federal property and in other secluded areas, don’t use public campgrounds as death squads will be looking for you there. Remember, think outside of the box, don’t be afraid to live with the elephants at the zoo for a couple of weeks while plotting your next move.
6. Don’t flee to an obvious country for those running from the death squads, such as Mexico or Canada. Consider eastern europe.
7. To camouflage your body’s natural scent, which can be tracked by death squad dog teams, smear Spam on your arm pits every 36 hours and don’t take showers.
8. If you have a car, switch your license plate with that of another car in a mall parking lot every couple weeks.
9. Build a wooden shack in the middle of nowhere which is stocked with Hormel chili, powdered milk, dried fruit and bottled water.
10. Consider covering your body with temporary tattoos.
For the The Top Ten Things that Don’t Go in a Man Cave click here.