I am now at the age where I can bitch about how we weren’t such a bunch of pansies back then.
So, here goes…
As a society, we are gradually undergoing the process of wussifying ourselves. Wussification is the process of becoming a collective bunch of wussies, who steer clear of any morsel of danger and stand for nothing. Except, of course, being wusses.
Preoccupation With Hydration
Holy Hydrogen Bonding! Can we even go to the mailbox without bringing a bottle of water with us? Everywhere I go, I see people running with, walking with and maybe someday soon I’ll see people…swimming with a bottle of water.
Then, you go to a saloon or bar and order a beer. Yeah, beer. And, what do they give you with it now? A glass of water to help you wash down your beer! Bah!
Ya know, back in the cowboy days, or at least back when they made cowboy movies, the cowboys would be almost dying of thirst. So, they would parallel park their horse in front of a saloon, strut in, drink two shots of whiskey, shoot a couple of people and then push on. But in this day and age, we are afraid of dying of dehydration when we run a 5K. So, we wear special aqua-ammo belts with water bottle holsters. When the temperature goes above 80 degrees in the summer, 15 minutes of the 5 o’clock news is about how we should drink water while we are mowing the lawn. Some lawn mowers have cup holders now.
No One Could Lose a Finger On A Playground if They Tried To
This pretty much speaks for itself. Playgrounds are covered in FlubberTM and there’s no such thing as a Teeter Totter any more, because they have been Wussed out of society,
School is Closed When Someone Farts
When I was a kid, we had snow days. Sure. But now, they have cold days, fog days and wind days. That’s right, there have been times when school was canceled because it was so cold the little kiddie-poos might have there little hands get all chilly when they stand out and wait for the bussy-poo!
Suck it up, you little bed-wetters!
When I was a kid, school wasn’t necessarily canceled when it snowed. Nooooooo. When it snowed, there were times when they threw chains on the bus. On the tires of the bus, that is. Some of you knew this. But, some of you weren’t even aware that chains could be applied to a vehicle. That’s okay, it’s not your fault, it’s society’s, which bring me to my next point…
Wussy Excuses for Our Kids Wussy Syndromes
Little Johnny bounces off the walls and can’t focus on his homework because he has ADHD. We had kids with ADHD when I was younger. But back then, we called them “kids who get peanuts instead of M&M’s at snack-time”. Naturally, we must do something to correct their horrible behavior. No way could we accept it for what it is. Nah, we deflect it on to a clinical-sounding term. Then, it’s the disorder’s fault. Then, we dope our kids up on something akin to oxycodone because it made lab rats read Tolstoy. That’s natural.
I know ADHD may be a serious problem for some people who have a legitimate diagnosis. I’m sorry if I’m sounding insensitive. It’s not my fault, though. I have EDD. That’s Empathy Deficiency Disorder. See how easy that is? If I call it a disorder, it gets me and my parents off the hook for my rude behavior. Else, they fall victim to our final wussifying factor of society.
Thank you, Mom and Dad, for beating my ass. Really. Thanks especially Dad, for the time you punched me in the face.
I’m just messin’ with ya. My Dad never punched me in the face. He punched me in the gut. Nah, just messin’ with ya there too. Hah!
But beat my ass? Oh hell yeah. Both my parents beat my ass raw. And, that’s for the stuff they knew about. Imagine what they would have done if they had known about the time I shot the school bus with my slingshot.
Sorry Mom and Dad. I kinda shot the late school bus with my slingshot. And, broke the window.
Please don’t beat my ass. At least, not in front of my friends.
But now, I am totally convinced we are afraid of our kids. Not that they’ll hurt us. But, that they’ll stop loving us if we stop acting like a bunch of spineless putzes and discipline them.
Kids want discipline. Just ask them. No wait, maybe that’s a bad idea.
I’m sorry if I’ve offended any of you. No wait. No I’m not! That’s what’s at the core of Wussnicity!
Wussily Tip-Toeing Around the Possibility of Offending Anybody
Thicken your skins up, people! Some of you people smell funny. And, you eat too much. I don’t even want to get started. I’ll start with myself. I’m a white guy. Not European American. And I’m of italian and irish descent which means I drink too much and I have a temper. And, my thingy is small. Go ahead and say it. I don’t care. Stereotype my ass.
But, don’t beat my ass.
Only my Mom and Dad can do that.
Unless you’re female and hot looking.
Oops. Sorry honey.
I hope I didn’t offend you.