After a long day of no lunch break, smoke break, or pee break, the last thing a hotel front desk clerk needs is yet another beast of a potential guest trying to get the best room in the house at a fraction of the price. If you waltz into a hotel demanding terrific service, ha ha, we will take this opportunity to get back at you any way we can- that is, IF we can’t manage to keep you from taking a room in the first place.
When you walk in with a stick in your ass and start demanding ground floor, no smoking, no pets, no children within a 7 room radius of you with a balcony view of the river 2 miles away, oh, and at a senior discount far below the advertised AARP rate because you’re on a fixed income, guess what’s available? A lovely, second floor smoking handicapped room with no bed and a pull-out sofa that has no sheets or bedding. And it’s right next to the ice machine and the Housekeeping office. At $10 above the advertised AARP rate because sorry, it’s a “special event” week and everybody’s rates have gone up.
If you constantly nag about the “feral” cat that’s wandering outside your building 30 feet away from your room, and call every 2 minutes with detailed accounts of what the cat is doing, demanding to know why the cat has not been “taken care of” and wanting to know what “you’re going to do about it”- guess who’s getting a 3 AM wake up call? YOU ARE… sweet dreams!
If you’ve already checked in and complain non-stop about the color of your bedding, the number of pillows, that there’s “no water” (because you have to pull OUT the nozzle before you turn it, stupid) and that there’s a tree in front of your room, one of many of the following things are going to happen to you- the availability of extra pillows will have “run out”, there will be no other available rooms available to you- goodness, we got full so fast!, or we’ll offer to check you out of the room so you can go somewhere else, but there’s no refund policy. Oh, and should you choose to stay, you also get a 3 AM wake up call. Yay!
If you keep whining about the Internet not working because you can’t figure out how to connect to the Internet from your laptop and keep grabbing the availability from the Chevron station next door, which of course will come up weak, we’ll just tell you you have to come into the lobby and show us your computer, which is one of the rare ones that just don’t pick up our signal- sorry! If you’re stupid enough to not figure out how to use free WI-Fi without a code, then you’ll believe us when we tell you that your brand of laptop just doesn’t work with our type of Internet service.
If you come to our hotel and start harping at us before you’ve even hit the desk, your room rate just increases as you rant on and on about the weather, the construction out front, how hard it was to find the hotel off the freeway, how much you hate driving 7 hours, how much you hate sliding doors etc. By the time you shut up enough to hear room rates, we’ve factored up a nice believable expensive room rate for you in the hopes you go somewhere else. And when you do, we call the “cheaper” hotel you said you were going to try, give the clerk there a detailed description of you and your vehicle, and advice them what an ass you are so they will give you a crappy rate as well.
If you’re a total ass we recommend the “crack shacks” downtown and tell you how nice they are. When you return to our hotel in a huff about how somebody was doing meth in the parking lot and the hotel clerk only had one eye and how could we dare recommend those hotels to others and they start demanding a room at your hotel, we will tell you with a smile that we’ve filled up in the last 15 minutes. Sorry.
If you come to the desk and tell us you MUST have a hypo-allergenic room because you are allergic to everything and want to check out the room before checking in, we will send you to a room after discreetly calling the housekeeper to spray it liberally with disinfectant spray that will choke you silly so you’ll go to another hotel. However, if you ask politely to see a clean, hypo-allergenic room, we may give you the liberty of NOT sending you to a pet room to check out our facility.
If you keep calling us “sweetheart”, “honey”, “hot thang”, or “sweetie” while looking down our shirts and winking at us like you have Turrets, we will gladly give you your room keys- without a map. Good luck finding your room, you slime! When you finally come down to the desk after about a half hour of driving around, we inform you that you must have been too busy gawking at us to remember where your room was, then we throw a map at you without highlighting your room number.
If you ask if our hotel is safe, we will tell you the last time somebody got raped and murdered and left being munched on by “feral” cats in our parking lot was 2 weeks ago, which is a really long time for this area. The crime rate is really going down around here.
If you demand you park in a no-parking area of the hotel, we call the police and have them ticket your vehicle. We already told you that you can’t park there a million and two times. Sometimes, if you’re really bad we’ll tell you to go ahead and park there and THEN call the cops.
If you absolutely MUST have a quiet room with no neighbors and we remind you it’s a HOTEL and we can’t not fill up your neighboring rooms just because you want quiet and you blow up at us, guess what room you get? You get the one right next to the old deaf lady with 8 Pomeranian’s who watches her TV full-blast until 2 AM with her dogs yapping up a storm. And we won’t move you when you complain because we’re full. And we’ll pretend to send security to your neighboring room and even tell you that we did, when all we did was make fun of your predicament with our security guard, who found it HILARIOUS.
If you call down to the desk saying you want FRESH coffee and you’ll be down in 5 minutes, we’ll put out the pot we’ve been sucking on since yesterday and say we made it just now, “Just for you”. And then you’ll say it’s the best coffee you’ve ever had, finally SOMETHING nice about this cruddy hotel.
We will hide the fresh fruit, coffee, and hot chocolate and free paper if we see you coming down the hallway and we don’t like you. Sorry, all out.
If you treat us like crap and then apologize about it later, we’ll say, “That’s OK. I already let my manager know about you. It’s all good.” And then ignore you the entire rest of your stay.
We’ll unplug the Internet to the guest computer if you’re on it for more than 15 minutes, particularly if you’re watching a football game on full-blast from 1973 and shouting obscenities at the screen, and then will tell you we must have had a power outage or something when you go, “Hey!” and then not offer to have it fixed for you. We have a migraine- get the Hell out of our lobby!
If you leave your kids running around in our lobby, we will tell them our security guard is going to beat them up if they don’t shut up. We’re trying to work here, people!
We will conveniently always be out of things you want, like toothpaste, toothbrushes, tampons, etc if you were a total dog checking in. Then we’ll give your hot, sweet husband anything he wants, including our phone numbers and free drinks at the bar. We do work in customer service, after all. (OK- this isn’t all hotel front desk clerks, like me, per se, but I’ve seen chicas scam on hot hubbys who were trying to get a break from their beastly wives…)
We will put you down for requested room service if you call down demanding that NO ONE is to go to your room, AT ALL, and then laugh like crazy when the housekeepers discovered your heroin balloons and donkey in your room and had to report their findings to the police. Hey, if you check in all cracked out we won’t let you get away with crap.
When you check into a hotel, you are at the mercy of the kindness of the hotel clerk before you. If you kiss ass, we’ll make sure you have the best experience possible because we’re just so happy to finally have someone treat us like a human being. But if you walk in like the King of England and treat us like dirt like so many before you, we have the power (and we USE it) to get back at you in any way we can. We have to keep our sanity somehow.