Now that election polls closed yesterday it seemed prudent to look at some other politically important events in history. Here are a few things I ran across while actively sitting in front of my computer. It’s my sincere hope that reading these facts of history will alleviate your campaign-induced migraine.
November 6, 1998 – A part of Detroit, Michigan is declared as an “Automobile National Heritage Area” by President Bill “Slick Willy” Clinton. This was after his successful but criticized Interns for Sex internship program and has since been renamed the “We Never Sent Interns to Washington” historical address.
November 3, 1998 – Wrestling champion Jesse “The Body” Ventura follows the example of Ronald Reagan. Being a celebrity in the pseudo-sports world, “The Body” enters politics as a conservative and wins the Minnesota gubernatorial race. Reagan was a pseudo-actor before becoming a conservative governor of California and later served two terms as the Forgetful President, “I don’t recall selling arms, or even legs, to Contras. What is a contra, anyway?”
November 3, 1948 – The Chicago Tribune mistakenly declares Thomas “Decimal System” Dewey as the presidential winner over incumbent Harry “I Wish I Had a Nickname” Truman. The press has been trying to match this lofty accomplishment ever since by declaring winners before polls close on election days, but without the same results.
November 2, 1966 – David Schwimmer, who played the role of “Ross” in the extremely popular sitcom Friends, was born. Unlike the previously mentioned individuals, he has not indicated any interests in either a political career or a nickname.
November 1, 1516 – The Sistine Chapel ceiling in Rome was opened to the public. Historians also trace the birth of government medical programs to this day, as the work was murder on Michelangelo’s back, not to mention on the necks of those who stand looking up at the ceiling. Michelangelo was never reimbursed for the cost of his injuries. He is quoted to have said, “Next time, I’m painting on a canvas while sitting down.”
November 1, 1765 – British Parliament enacts the Stamp Act, a taxation of American colonists to defray the costs of the king’s stage musical “Stamp!” Although expensive, this play never gained the popularity of its modern version “Stomp!”
November 1, 1993 – The European Union was formed through the Maastricht Treaty, a document which declares the right of all European nations to go bankrupt together.
November 5, 1968 – Richard Nixon was elected president. During his swearing-in ceremony a few weeks later in 1969, he swore to lead the American people, “with honesty, transparency and courage, so help me Elmer Fudd.”
This year’s election has seen a lot of changes in who’ll be representing us in Washington D.C. But based on the history of politicians in general, it’s my bet that’s all that’ll change since, as you can see, history is chock full of Slick Willies.