Information from North Korea has leaked out that North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il is preparing his son, Kim Jong-un, to take over the country when he retires. However, what exactly does Boot Camp or prep school for a dictator look like? By talking with a number of officials in the North Korean government who spoke to me on the condition of anonymity, the following 10 “dictator classes” that Kim Jong-un will attend during his secretive training period are listed below.
1. An intense course on how to give orders like a dictator will be attended by Jim Jung-un. The purpose of the course is to acclimate new dictators to the experience of having their every whim and order fulfilled by almost everybody around them. The goal is to get to the point where ordering staff to bake you a cake at 3 AM in the morning doesn’t cause the least amount of guilt.
2. The importance of nuclear weapons course. This course explains how dictators can successfully use weapons of mass destruction to avoid an invasion of their country. As a practical part of the course, Kim Jong-Un will be given a nuclear weapon and asked to use it to hold the country of Monaco hostage for two weeks.
3. How to select a bodyguard. This course teaches young dictators how to surround themselves with yes men and women who will follow their every order and sacrifice themselves to save the life of the dictator if necessary. As part of the course, Muammar al-Gaddafi will give a special talk on why he decided to go with an all-female bodyguard detachment, the pros and the cons.
4. The use of pseudo-intellectual political movements to cement power. Expected to be taught via the Internet by Cuban dictator Fidel Castro, this course will explain how you to create your own political party by using mumbo-jumbo and esoteric political paradigms in order to prop up your regime. Kim Jong-Un has expressed interest in the course and his desire to set up a Nationalistic Democratic Representational Temporary Monarchial Republic in order to run this country.
5. The cult of personality class. This is one of the most important classes for a dictator to be to take, it shows how the through the use of propaganda you can create a godlike image of yourself in your new country. You will supervise a team of artists as they create a number of murals and portraits of yourself to be displayed around the country.
6. Dressing like a dictator. While Fidel Castro looked strong in his olive green fatigues, and Kim Jong-Il has sported the fluffy hair cut, baggy suit, and wraparound sunglasses to great effect, how will younger dictators find their fashion sense? This class shows you how to select a wardrobe that is both personal, inspiring, and authoritarian. Reportedly, Kim Jung-Un is leaning towards a wardrobe that borrows heavily from “Hip Hop” culture in the United States.
7. How to setup a Swiss bank account. This course covers a number of dry financial topics which dictators must know. The course highlights the importance of stashing a couple billion away just in case the unthinkable happens and you get kicked out of their own country.
8. How to suppress a civilian revolt. Even the most brilliant dictator must time and time again deal with unruly crowds and civilian protests. This course aims at striking a balance between keeping the local population in line, and avoiding negative press abroad. When to use tanks and when to use just tear gas, this course is both comprehensive and highly classified.
9. Maintaining relevance in an increasingly westernized world. This course deals with the topic of relevancy in the modern dictatorship, and it addresses a number of tactics which you can use to keep yourself, and your country, in the news. From kidnapping lost hikers who happen to cross your border, to firing missiles into the ocean, this course deals with everything that you can and should do to keep your country on the front pages.
10. Building a bomb proof, and more importantly, a comfortable bunker. This short course is taught by a number of ex-Nazi architects who helped Hitler design a number of bunkers and retreats in Germany. The premise of the courses is that an uninspiring bunker led to Hitler’s downfall. What modern dictator would want to have his fate? This course addresses how you can make your bunker your home by using a number of inspiring interior decorating design tips and installing comforting extras such as massive swimming pools and bowling lanes. Martha Stewart is listed as a special consultant for this course, but her publicist has declined to comment.
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