It was recently reported in the New York Times that the Obama administration used a little-known legal tactic called, “states rights”, in order to avoid having to deal with lawsuits stemming from the administration’s decision to order the assassination of an American citizen who now is affiliated with Al Qaeda. The ACLU takes issue with the planned assassination of an American citizen outside of a war zone and is concerned that the White House has gone too far and may one day target Tea Party activists. However, what are states rights? Ten surprising rights of the federal government, protected under states rights, are listed below.
1. The President actually has the right at any time to search any citizen’s residence without a warrant and to hold citizens in a special, “Citizen observation holdings cell” to obtain important information such as why he or she hasn’t paid her taxes. Such “observational incarcerations” have happened to Donald Trump on several occasions.
2. The vice president is actually the head of a secret organization called the Federal Food Quality Assurance Program (FFQAP). This program, covered under the umbrella of states rights, has been used by Joe Biden on several occasions to eat basically free meals at whatever restaurant he wants in order to make sure that the food is up to snuff. Critics complain that the vice president regularly uses this perk to eat for free at Five Guys Burgers.
3. Under the Feline Wartime Conscription Act, the Secretary of State can actually take legal possession of any cat living within the United States for use as a spy abroad. Rumors abound that Hillary Clinton has seized over a dozen cats in the Miami Florida area for secret spying missions in Afghanistan.
4. The federal government using the legal framework of states rights has secretly purchased a fast food hamburger chain, believed to be Five Guys hamburgers as it was founded by five United States presidents: Barack Obama, Jimmy Carter, Bill Clinton, George W. Bush, and George Bush Senior. The purpose of the restaurants is to use hidden microphones and speakers to figure out what people are saying about the president.
5. Using the legal framework of states rights, President Obama has ordered the attorney general to detain any “weirdos, such as Tea Party members” before the general election in November.
6. Nancy Pelosi has used the principle of states rights on several occasions to hold secret meetings in the dead of night in the Capitol building to begin secretly rewriting the Constitution so that politicians who practice black magic, such as Tea Party Candidate Christine O’Donnell who said that she once dabbled in the dark arts, can not hold elected office.
7. Michelle Obama has used the principle of state rights to grow a special, yet mysterious, genetically modified plant in her vegetable garden which produces a chemical which can cure people who are in the early stages of Zombie Syndrome. The first lady has said on numerous occasions that she will not identify the name of the plant due to states rights issues involving the current zombie syndrome epidemic sweeping the northeast of the country.
8. Atty. Gen. Eric Holder has used the principle of states rights to see if Americans are, “doing all they can to conserve electrical power” by placing secret electric meters on people’s homes.
9. Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano has used the power of states’ rights just once when she asked the FBI to secretly study the public’s reaction to her handling of the BP oil spill. Allegedly she sent CIA agents disguised as pizza delivery personnel to houses at random to ask whomever lived there if they “ordered a pizza” and “how is Napolitano doing in her job on a scale of one to ten?”
10. The fact that Al Gore is a highly advanced robot sent to Earth from Mars in order to prevent global warming, is one of the most tightly held state secrets the country has.
For the Top Ten Obama-Biden 2012 Campaign Slogans click here.