To my way of thinking, people ask too many questions. What’s worse is that we usually answer them with a dumb and at times untruthful answer. It was tough narrowing this list down to just five really stupid questions, and every one of us has replied with the really, really stupid answers.
Really Stupid Question #1: How are you?
Really, Really Stupid Answer: Fine.
I admit it. I ask this a lot. I ask it when I see someone I haven’t laid eyes on for years, and I use it as an everyday greeting. As soon as the words spill out of my mouth my brain says, “Argh! You did it again, you idiot! What the hell do you care? You better hope they don’t tell you because you’ll be stuck here forever!” Thankfully most people answer “fine”, even though they look like they just escaped from the intensive care unit.
Note to self: If you don’t want to know the answer, don’t ask the question.
Really Stupid Question #2: What are you doing?
Really, Really Stupid Answer: Nothing.
This one is a corker. Unless a person is brainless or for some reason unable to actually see the activity of the person in question, I don’t see the need to ask this question…ever. It makes me crazy when I’m doing something like watching TV and the sister asks me what I’m doing. Apparently I’m not skydiving or white water rafting. I’m in a sitting position with my eyes trained on the boob tube. What’s not to understand? The answer is worse. By answering “nothing” to this stupid question, you’re validating idiocy. Besides, doing nothing is actually doing something, isn’t it?
Note to self: Answer this question with “something” from now on.
Really Stupid Question #3: Are you okay?
Really, Really Stupid Answer: Yes.
I took a header while strolling knee deep in the ocean with my friend a few years ago. I stubbed my toe on a large rock (planted there by George Bush, I bet) covered with barnacles. I gracefully tumbled forward, lacerating my knee and shin. As I was floundering around underwater trying to regain my footing, I could hear her squealing with laughter. Just before drowning from gulping saltwater while also laughing, I arose from the swirling waters of death half covered in seaweed. In between guffaws, she asked if I was okay. Although I had peeled off an inch or two of skin from my toe and my own blood was drawing sharks from New Jersey, guess what I said.
Note to self: Swallow your man-pride and admit to injury to avoid inevitable complications and possible hospitalization.
Really Stupid Question #4: Do you need some help?
Really, Really Stupid Answer: No.
Okay, I ask this all the time and I guess the asker is supposed to ignore the askee, and help anyway. The niece was struggling with groceries the other day. I asked her if she needed help. She glared at me, and said, “Oh, no. Let me get the other fifty bags by myself.” So, not wanting to upset her, I did. Then there’s the sister who has to prove that she’s as fit as a twenty year old. She staggered through the living room yesterday gasping and panting, carrying an air conditioner. I said, “Need some help?” She said, in a high squeaky voice, “No, I wouldn’t want to interrupt your writing.”
Note to self: Never take “No” for an answer on this one. It’ll always come back to bite you.
Really Stupid Question #5: Do you like my…….?
Really, Really Stupid Answer: Yes!
I learned early on never, ever say no to the “Do you like my…” question. It’s the exact opposite of the “Do I look fat?” question. If you feel dishonest by voicing unequivocal approval when asked this question, get over it. Trust me, unless you’re prepared to spend an hour or so defending your negative answer or a few days in the doghouse, just say yes.
Note to self: Never try to explain why you like something that you really think should be buried out in the back yard. You’re only begging for trouble. Say “Yes!” and shaddup about it.