If American politics is valued for its entertainment worth, in addition to its governing functions, then one of the biggest contributions made this year would be South Carolina Democratic nominee Alvin Greene. I decided to try to compile a list of all of the amazing, and even witty, statements that Mr. Greene has made over the past year. Normally I would write a lame comedy piece filled with half funny pieces of fictitious prose. However, thanks to the hard work of Mr. Greene, the work was done for me. Listed below are some of Mr. Greene’s choice statements.
1. From his newly released “Greene Manifesto”, Alvin Greene says that a “I’m unemployed, and, if elected, I can teach the Harvard rich kids in the White House and the Senate a thing or two.”
I find this quote to be especially funny because it doesn’t single out Democrats or Republicans but just an out of touch highly educated elite.
2. When asked what could be done to help revive the economy, Mr. Greene replied, “Another thing we can do for jobs is make toys of me, especially for the holidays. Little dolls. Me. Like maybe little action dolls. Me in an army uniform, air force uniform, and me in my suit. They can make toys of me and my vehicle, especially for the holidays and Christmas for the kids. That’s something that would create jobs. So you see I think out of the box like that. It’s not something a typical person would bring up. That’s something that could happen, that makes sense. It’s not a joke.”
While being shamelessly self-promoting, you have to ask yourself – is this any worse than giving $780 billion to Wall Street?
3. When asked to clarify his position on a number of topics Alvin Green said that one thing he believes in is that “We need justice in the judicial system.” Simple, and yet abstractly complex as the statement forces one to ponder the fate of those wrongly convicted for crimes they didn’t commit. Is it any worse than what other politicians have come up with?
4. When asked further about his opinions regarding the justice system Alvin Greene took the opportunity to comment on his own legal situation by referring to it as a hypothetical scenario when he said, “”I know this guy that some folks got into trouble. … This guy happened to be a person of color. This was in the 5th Judicial Circuit. Anyhow, this guy met the criteria for pretrial intervention, but was denied. This same guy’s trial was scheduled for last week but was put off.”
Supposedly this was Mr. Green referring to felony charges he is facing with regards to join pornographic material to college-age students. Nonetheless, his comments may be a historical first as he gives the impression that he is running for office in order to change the law to avoid prosecution.
5. When interviewed by a college campus newspaper Mr. Green offered his advice on a number of issues facing incoming freshmen. When asked about how the college student should deal with a bad roommate he simply said, “Stay alone. Do without a roommate.”
For anyone who has lived with the bad roommate this answer rings as true advice, it is much more direct than complicated with advice about trying to get along with people.
6. During the same interview Mr. Green was asked about advice on repaying student loans, and he responded, “Support me and my campaign. I’m Alvin Greene for U.S. Senate, and I can come up with some ways they can just work, they can just maybe work their loans off. Do community projects or something.”
You have to admire a guy who is always willing to promote himself even in the face of certain failure. But maybe that is Alvin Greene’s plan, to land a reality show after the general election. In a couple month Alvin Greene could be transformed into the democrat’s answer to Sarah Palin.
7. While not technically part of an interview, after his indictment for felony obscenity charges Alvin Green shouted “Goooooooooooooo” through the screen door of his house in order to get reporters off his property. I wonder how many other politicians, including the President, would like to get rid of the press attention by making such an explicit statements.
8. When asked in another interview if he could punch a famous person who would it be, Alvin Green replied, “Grouchy Smurf. Hahahaha.” Though perhaps meant to be just a humorous reply, does Alvin Greene know something that the general public doesn’t know? Perhaps he is planning on lending his voice for a Smurf in the upcoming Smurf movie? Time will only tell.
9. When asked in a bizarre CNN interview about his response to politicians in South Carolina who have insinuated that he has, “mental impairments”, Alvin Green responded by saying “I say that backed to them.” You got to give him credit for giving a nonsensical answer to a loaded, and ludicrous, interview question. After all did he get a college degree?
10. In one interview, when asked about what he thought of a music video called “Alvin Greene is on the Scene” he replied that he was “thrilled” with the video even though it seamed to mock his campaign. You have to admire someone that is willing to laugh at themselves.
For the top ten White House Suggestions for the stimulating the economy click here.