It was recently reported in the press that the state of New York was experiencing difficulties on primary day when voters had to contend with new computerized voting machines which required them to fill out ballots and then feed them to be scanned. Mayor Michael Bloomberg was especially upset that voting didn’t go as planned. It is rumored that the new voting process takes as long as an hour just to vote for one candidate. Listed below are 10 steps that New York voters must take to use the new machine.
1. The voting process begins by allowing the computer to scan both of your retinas and your head circumference. If you head circumference is either to big, or too small, then you are disqualified from voting.
2. Voters must next “program” the voting machine so that it will display either Democratic, Republican or Independent candidates. The new machines do not allow a person to vote for different political party candidates for different offices.
3. Next, in order to cut down on voter fraud, a mini United States history examination program is run which questions potential voters about the workings of the United States federal government. Anybody who fails this controversial examination will not be allowed to vote and must take a US history course at a community college before reapplying for a voting license.
4. Next, voters must blow into a special tube which is connected to a sophisticated breathalyzer machine. Those voters that the machine determines are intoxicated are not allowed to vote for 24 hours, which effectively means that if you drink you can’t vote.
5. To help ensure quality control, the federal government then administers a pre-voting questionnaire. This questionnaire asks a number of general, and specific, questions which Congress will use to help fine tune their approach to the legislative process. For example, one question reads, “in the event of a Martian landing who would you most like to see on television addressing the nation, the President, the Vice President, or the Secretary of Agriculture?”
6. Next, the voter must choose one of over 230 languages in which to read candidates names and voting instructions. Reportedly, fans of the television show Star Trek are extremely upset that the Klingon language is not represented in the voting booth.
7. Voters who are especially upset with a certain candidate, or his or her policies, have the option now of leaving a special anonymous e-mail message which will be delivered after the votes have been counted. However, the email must be written in pig-latin and signed with a pen name.
8. To vote, voters must aim a plastic “voting wand” at their candidate of choice on the computer screen and whisper the words “I select you”. This may be difficult to do for voters who have not yet mastered the Nintendo Wii.
9. Ten voters will be selected at random via these computerized voting machines to participate in a reality game show called “choose your politician” in which these lucky voters will be allowed to elect two extra senators to the United States Senate.
10. After voting, a robotic arm emerges from the machine and its stamps a special invisible fluorescent paint “I voted” tattoo on the forehead of the person who voted so that they can be identified by the UN troops should they decide to occupy the United States.
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