As if somebody was nostalgic for the 1990s and Newt Gingrich’s Contract with America, the GOP has a new deal to offer American voters called their “Pledge to America.” The majority of polls are showing that the Republicans will pick up seats in both the Senate and the House this November, however if this will be enough to take control of either chamber’s is anybody’s guess. VP Joe Biden who got to see an early copy of the document says that there are, “a lot of surprises in the pledge which would scare a lot of people if they knew what was in there.” Ten of these surprises are listed below.
1. A National Banker’s Appreciation Day will be held in April each year when Americans take time to honor the work that bankers have done building up, and occasionally tearing down, the American economy.
2. A special provision, called the “Continental Presidential Birth Clause”, will be inserted into the U.S. Constitution which will forbade anyone born in Hawaii from becoming elected president in 2012. Outraged Democrats say that they will introduce a counter amendment barring Alaskan natives such as Sarah Palin from seeking the White House due to Alaska’s geographical isolation from the rest of the continental U.S..
3. People living in Red States will not have to pay for the health care reform overhaul, but they will benefit from the new legislation just like anybody else.
4. The public mocking, belittlement or harassment of zoo elephants will be made a felony in all states in the Union to protect the “strength and sanity” of the GOP’s mascot.
5. Newt Gingrich will be put in charge of a commission which will investigate how to either restore the country to circa mid-1991, or how to build a time machine so that he can prevent Bill Clinton from being elected president.
6. The GOP will make the first Saturday after Thanksgiving “National 2nd Amendment Appreciation Day” at which time republican congressmen will help as many people get firearms who can afford them.
7. Nancy Pelosi will be charged with a felony for mis-appropriating millions of dollars in Congressional funds to buy herself over $2 million worth of flowers for her Speaker’s office in the Capitol Building over a period of four years.
8. The Statue of Liberty’s face will slightly modified to look like Sarah Palin’s face and it will be rechristened as the “Sarah Palin National Freedom Monument Statue of America.”
9. A special “Tea Party” will be held on the National Mall each year to commemorate Glenn Beck’s pseudo-religious speech at the Lincoln Memorial. Guests will sip lemonade, herbal teas and eat sandwiches made of bloody rare roast beef while they listen to the GOP’s plans for shrinking the federal government.
10. A special telethon chaired by the the Treasury Secretary will raise money for corporations who lost millions during the current economic downturn so that out of work CEOs will be able to afford at least a second or third summer home.
For the The Top Ten Surprises in Bob Woodward’s New Book About the Obama White House click here.