What a strange summer the United States has experienced. New Orleans is hit by a second disaster in the form of the BP oil spill and Glen Beck stages a bizarre rally at the Lincoln Memorial where he discusses religion and makes vague comments about restoring honor. The oil from the BP oil spill evaporates and the US economy continues to deteriorate as if the government is diverting funds for some massive unseen project at Area 51.
If there was ever a time to believe in conspiracy theories: this is it. Could the BP oil spill response be a cover up for a UFO landing, or does the White House know something that the average American doesn’t? If, and when, the little green men from Mars land in Washington D.C. you need to know how to prepare and protect yourself.
Ten tips for surviving an alien invasion are listed below.
1. Buy a gigantic plastic swimming pool, sink it eight to ten feet into the ground in your backyard, cover it with a large piece of aluminum, and fill it with drinking water plus one thousand drops of bleach. This water source can be used in case the aliens begin their invasion by taking out public utilities. Be sure to buy a shot gun to keep neighbors from poaching your water.
2. Buy an alien Halloween costume, it won’t fool aliens into believing that you’re one of them, but they might think it is so funny that you can escape while they are laughing.
3. Construct a squatter’s cabin on a good vantage point overlooking your city so that when the time comes you can hole down there and observe the landing of alien UFOs at a safe distance.
4. Put moth balls in your clothes pockets as the odors are believed to be sufficiently strong to repel both aliens and snakes.
5. Supposedly the federal government maintains a list of “conversion ready citizens”, or in other words those who should be enslaved first by hostile aliens from Mars. The list includes a lot of people in the Tea Party and people targeted by Uncle Sam for relocation to another planet. To avoid getting on the list burn your driver’s license and don’t show up for jury duty.
6. Most aliens smell like cranberries as their blood and sweat is much different from humans. If you drink a lot of cranberry juice then you might be able to strike a deal with them to avoid being sent to a labor camp.
7. Learn to speak Sprag fluently, the Martian dialect spoken by 74% of beings living on the red planet. If you master it well enough you might be able to get a job as a translator for the alien overlords when they arrive. Especially important phrases to learn are, “The Martian Emperor has taken control of your planet, you must report to work in the salt mines”, and “If you value your life put down the firearm and surrender peacefully.”
8. Most aliens living in the United States avoid the International House of Pancakes, aka IHOP, for some obscure reason, leading many to believe that safety can be found inside the booths of the ubiquitous pancakes houses. Government scientists are trying to determine if the aliens have an allergy to maple syrup. If you see President Obama and Joe Biden visiting an IHOP then you know that the invasion has begun.
9. By a map of back roads and know the wilderness in your area well. Though most aliens can easily beat a human in a physical contest, bears and other wild animals ate the first group of aliens which landed in Ohio in 1973. If they don’t eat you, then you’ve got mother nature on your side.
10. Stock pile cans of olives and Spaghetti-Os in a shed somewhere in the mountains where nobody would ever think to look. Having a source of food that isn’t contaminated by an alien virus is your first line of defense.
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My own suspicions.