Well I went to a college football game as I pretty much go anywhere when somebody invites me and it is always fun sitting with a group of friends, swapping stories and just doing the old male bonding. Of course by the end of the third quarter I tend to be sitting by myself, and when I walk to the parking lot, my buddies seem to have moved the car. Oh those jokers!
But I have some ideas for changing football because, let’s face it, you can only watch someone run and be tackled, catch a pass and be tackled for about – oh five minutes – before you are bored out of your mind. I mean – come on – how exciting can it be?. Gee – look he ran into the line and got tackled. I have only seen that play twenty times and the game is only ten minutes old.
So, and I shared these ideas with my friends, who seemed to drift away, but I thought these were great ideas.
One – give me an amuse phone. It is called an amuse phone, because it can amuse me during the game. And with the amuse game, I can call the coach and tell him to do whatever amuses me and he has to. I can call him and say, “Let’s do a fake punt.”
Sure the coach can say, ” But Phil we are on our own ten yard line and it is fourth and 20.” But with the amuse phone, I have the power and I can laugh an evil laugh and say, “Mr. Saban, you must do it because it amuses me.”
Come on – wouldn’t that make the game more fun. To have your own private amuse phone and the coach must do your bidding. Of course I would totally abuse the Amuse Phone and call a halfback pass every third play. I just love the halfback pass.
My second great idea, of course by the time I come up with my second great idea, people are starting to edge away from me and some might even go to buy cokes and never seem to come back. But it is a big stadium and I can see why they might get lost. In fact, they might have gone to the parking lot early and play the game I always play after the game . You know – the one called Find Your Friend’s Car.
But another brilliant idea – why not paint the goal posts bright orange? And make the ball bright orange. That way when someone kicks a field goal, the ball will stand out as it sails or does not sail through the goal posts. Think about this – how many sports are dumb enough to use a brown ball. You can’t see a brown ball . Why does baseball use a white ball, why does basketball use an orange ball, why does tennis use a yellow ball, why does golf use a white ball, why does soccer – oh never mind no one watches soccer anyway. Why does the Pope wear a big hat? That has nothing to do with sports, but why does the Pope need a big hat?
Anyway, hockey does use a black puck, but at least it contrasts with the white ice. Nope – football is the only sport that has not figured out that you should change the color of the ball so people can SEE it.
Okay – and another great idea, bordering on brilliant, is make the goal posts adjustable! So every quarter you can raise them five feet, so by the end of the game, the goal posts are 20 feet higher. That will make it a lot harder to win a game with a field goal. Closely related to that idea is put the goal posts on wheels. That way you can move them back five yards every quarter. Think about that, but I wouldn’t think about it too hard as it took me four beers to have that brilliant insight.
Oh Oh Oh – call on me – whoops sorry about that – thought I was back in fifth grade there for a moment, but Oh,Oh, Oh – you gotta love this idea. Think about miniature golf and how that windmill keeps moving and you have to time your putt. Do the same thing with the goal posts, make them go up and down and the kicker has to time his kick.
And let’s make the Point After the Touchdown a lot harder. Two ideas. One, the kicker is by himself on his own 40 year line and he can kick the ball like a kickoff, but to get that extra point, it has to go through the goal posts, Second idea, use a different ball for the PAT – maybe one a pound or two heavier?
Okay – let’s talk progress. How long have they been holding those chains on the sideline? Since football was invented! And they move them every time someone gets a first down. Why don’t we just use a laser and put a bright red line across the field?
How long have we let some referee, the same ref who blew the high school game on Friday night, mark the ball where he thought it was downed.? Instead of depending on human error, let’s put a microchip in the ball, which would take a whole two seconds, and when the ball is downed, it sends a signal to a sensor and you know the exact spot where the ball was downed.
Okay – last great idea – quarterbacks have speakers in their helmets and the coach tells them the play. Why not not let the TV audience hear the play that is called . This can be easily accomplished with a ten second delay.
Anyway in college football today, it comesdown to blocking, tackling and who has the best lawyer, but forget about that and let’sclose this out.
I have many more ideas, but I must use the amuse phone and tell the coach, even though it is third and goal, to punt. Why? Because it amuses me.