I have decided to announce a new award. It is called The Obvious Award and will be given to that scientific study which has spent millions to state the obvious.
I only have one contender for the award so far, because finding more contenders would take actual research and cut into happy hour. Plus there is no reason to search any further. I know a winner when I see one. And I really doubt that any reader out there can find a better candidate for the 2010 Obvious Award.
A recently completed University of Rutgers study found that ” Alcohol is known to cause an increase in impulsive behavior in individuals…”
Wait! It gets even better. ” A new study on adolescent males indicate that risky behavior may actually increase over time after periods of heavy drinking.”
Hello! Tell me that this study is not an automatic champion, a winner, a guaranteed recipient of the 2010 Obvious Award.
You , of course, are wondering why there was even an need for this study. Well consider this reasoning.
“Helene R. White, a professor of sociology at the Center of Alcohol Studies at Rutgers University said that the study attempted to fill a gap in current knowledge regarding whether human adolescents who drink heavily show an increase in impulsive behavior.”
Helene is so right. Who would even think that teenage drinking leads to impulsive behavior? I just thank GOD that this study was conducted, as if bailing my teenage son out of jail for painting the cop car pink, after a night of drinking, wasn’t enough evidence of impulsive behavior. He wouldn’t have been caught if the cops weren’t IN the car at the time. Impulsive behavior? Teenagers? Drinking? Who would have thought those three things were even vaguely related?
But you have to admire these scientists who sacrificed hours of their time to find that drunk teenagers tend to “exhibit impulsive behavior”
It had to be tough for the scientists to even find a group to study. But pressing on, against all odds, they did find that the study group should consist of ” boys because they tend to drink heavier than girls during adolescence, and adolescent boys generally exhibit less impulse control than adolescent girls.”
All I can say is WOW. Make that a DOUBLE WOW, because , and I cannot make this up, millions may soon be spent on another study on drinking and impulsive behavior. Listen to this quote:
“However, these results are only the first step in research regarding impulsivity and heavy drinking, and according to White, far more research is needed before any definitive conclusions are drawn.”
I really wish I could make this stuff up. I think I better go have a drink. Or two.
Alcoholism: Clinical & Experimental Research (2010, November 17). Impulsive behavior in males increases after periods of heavy drinking. ScienceDaily. Retrieved November 21, 2010, from http://www.sciencedaily.com /releases/2010/11/101116181945.htm