America, as you may have heard, this nation is founded on democratic principles.
You have a vote. And, in the spirit of democracy, I am giving you my orders on how you will use it.
As you may also have heard, this is an incredibly important election. Everyone says so. It is easily the most important election since all the way back in, oh, 2008.
So participation is vital. Look at the voter next to you, and then smack them so they look back. Now that both of you are paying attention, at least one of you two needs to stay home on Election Day. I command it. This isn’t up for discussion, just do as I say.
As for the rest of you — the few of you who bother voting — you need to be told who to vote for.
You may have heard that a lot of people don’t like Congress. Polls indicate that roughly 70% disapprove of how Congress is doing it’s job, and about 20% approve (both these numbers are probably generous).
Disapproval this high should cause a good chunk of the incumbent members of Congress to lose their reelection bids. With disapproval numbers like this, two-thirds of them should be sent home. Or maybe half. At the very least, you would think that this much disapproval would result in a third of them losing their seats.
America, I don’t care how you feel about Congress! I don’t care how much you think they suck. You’re going to send most of these people back to Congress.
Well, of the 435 House seats and 37 Senate seats that are up on Election Day, incumbents are running in 88% of them.
(This isn’t counting the handful of incumbents who wanted to run for reelection, but were knocked out in their party primaries. (This, in turn, doesn’t count Lisa Murkowski, who was knocked out in the Republican primary, but is still running for the Alaska seat in the Senate.))
I command you to overwhelmingly reelect these incumbents! I better see at least 75% of them back in office.
Maybe Congress isn’t perfect. Nobody is. But they’re at least 75% perfect, so vote ’em back in! I want no more than a quarter of these good folks to lose their seats.
I know you’ll obey. In fact, I won’t be surprised if you send 90% of them back. Honestly, are Americans smart enough to do anything else?
Really, once somebody gets voted into office, odds are they’re doing fine. If they’ve already been elected to that office, who are you to vote them out?
Now, some of you may not like these orders. You might think that they allow Congress to remain stagnant, and that they underestimate the American voter.
My answer: “Yes.” I am betting against the American Voter, and it is a winning bet.
You always win when you bet that the American Voter will pull the lever for the incumbent. Odds are, they will not vote for change, they will not vote for anything new. They will vote for old candidates and their old policies.
OK, I admit it: I’m intentionally goading you. But, really, we’re about to have a (supposedly) great upheaval of an election that will involve less than 50% turnout and more than 75% of incumbents reelected.
Is this something to be proud of?